Wrestling

I've been wrestling with life, God, His Word, and everything else lately. I feel I should write it down so I can get a better handle on what is going through my mind and maybe so I can vent a little and get it all out of system. 

I'm really trying to understand and trust God but it is so hard when I feel the need to control or that some situations are just out of my control and people just can't understand that. I hope, if anything, if anyone reads this that it helps them and if no one does it will at least help me hash things out.

Failure On

I failed tonight... and this weekend. I feel horrible like I let God down. In a way I did... I spat in His face and did what I wanted. I feel dirty and messed up. I hate this feeling and the feeling of disappointment. I don't feel any better after doing it, in fact I feel dumb and childish. I don't like this.

Why do I keep doing it???

This weekend was ok. I was suppose to propose this past weekend to my girl friend but her mom didn't want me to and essentially stopped me by saying she wanted to talk to me. But she did, and I'm glad we talked cause I feel closer to her now and what she had to say was valuable information. I think I'm going to propose this weekend at some point. I feel I need too regardless of it being away from "home" and not where we can readily celebrate with family. But this is me starting my family... so in a sense I will be with family, just not in the presence of our parents. I'm excited about it... I hope I don't get too nervous.

I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep really quick. I have a friend that can, sometimes I wish I could just sleep like that. I don't even know why I'm writing cause nobody reads this anyways. I guess i write to listen to myself so I can really see if what I'm thinking makes sense and isn't stupid. It helps me sort it out and in the off chance it helps someone if they ever read this... all the better. I guess i should try and sleep some and pray to help me get rid of this feeling and to right all the wrong I did because I did do wrong and I know this... I just feel horrible and want to make it right. Blessings.

Assalaamu Alaikum