Can't help it...

I got engaged this past weekend. :  ) I'm so happy and so is my now fiancee. School is gone nuts though! I'm so bogged down with work. I can't stand it. I feel as if I won't need this stuff except anything that I can learn about the Bible and God. I feel as thought that is all that matters at this point. But I'm not the one paying the bill. My parents are and I need to do well so as to not waste their money. 


I can't wait for the break so I can help in planning the wedding, and work a little. Hopefully work at the local studio because I enjoy it there. I also can't wait to spend more time seeking God. I need to do that more. I sense I need to do this urgently. So I guess I probably should do it now rather than wait. Oh Lord, please give me the strength to get my work done and to find and be keen to your ways and keen to when you speak. I think I'm beginning to understand the gifts you gave me and I thank you for them and may they bring glory to Your name.

Failure On

I failed tonight... and this weekend. I feel horrible like I let God down. In a way I did... I spat in His face and did what I wanted. I feel dirty and messed up. I hate this feeling and the feeling of disappointment. I don't feel any better after doing it, in fact I feel dumb and childish. I don't like this.

Why do I keep doing it???

This weekend was ok. I was suppose to propose this past weekend to my girl friend but her mom didn't want me to and essentially stopped me by saying she wanted to talk to me. But she did, and I'm glad we talked cause I feel closer to her now and what she had to say was valuable information. I think I'm going to propose this weekend at some point. I feel I need too regardless of it being away from "home" and not where we can readily celebrate with family. But this is me starting my family... so in a sense I will be with family, just not in the presence of our parents. I'm excited about it... I hope I don't get too nervous.

I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep really quick. I have a friend that can, sometimes I wish I could just sleep like that. I don't even know why I'm writing cause nobody reads this anyways. I guess i write to listen to myself so I can really see if what I'm thinking makes sense and isn't stupid. It helps me sort it out and in the off chance it helps someone if they ever read this... all the better. I guess i should try and sleep some and pray to help me get rid of this feeling and to right all the wrong I did because I did do wrong and I know this... I just feel horrible and want to make it right. Blessings.

Assalaamu Alaikum